Bangkok Revisited.

So I got off the train from Nong Khai at about 7.30 in the morning. I had presumed when I booked it that like all Thai trains I've been on this would be three hours late and deliver me to town at the semi-reasonable time of 10am. But nooooo! They've put someone efficient in charge. Trains are starting to run on time now! What is the world coming to I ask you?


So in my sleep deprived state, I decided to go for a walk. So I wandered over to the left luggage counter and thats where I encountered a strange phenomenon for the second time in Thailand. At 8 am and 6pm every day, in public buildings (such as the train station and Chaing Mai market where I first encountered it) they play the national anthem. And in Thailand the anthem doesn't get the half hearted "O flower of Scotland, nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah" that it does over here. Everyone stops still and stands to attention. No matter what they are doing. So even though the guy was halfway through taking my bag he stopped, stood still and waited until the end before giving me my ticket. Its a little unnerving the first time you see 3000 people stop stalk still let me tell you! I felt an obligation to join in, but as I was rusty on the words, I just went for the respectful silence option. I think that was taken as an acceptable alternative both times.

So with my bag duely stored, I went for my wander. I ended up in a maze of back alleys in the middle of the town. A couple of strange turns and I was in the middle of a ghetto in bangkok. Needless to say I was miles from the internet cafe I thought would help me pass the time. So I wandered for about 20 minutes and headed back to the station. Only to spot one across the road from the main enterance... d'oh

Bangkok the second time around is a very different place to stay in. Once you're used to the hussle and bussle of asia as well as the temperature it can be quite fun to take in the sights and sounds. I also started to play with the chancers who try and take new arrivals for a ride. When they come out with a really high price for a tuk tuk for example 400 baht for a ride which cost 100 on the way there, I counter with my own offer of 5 baht and see them splutter for a bit before I walk off. When I cant be bothered, I go for the response of "six weeks" when they ask how long I've been here and they for some reason rapidly loose interest...

Its also allowed me to become reaquainted with a strange phenomenon. There is a local and often played song by a local girl group which really sounded out of place the first time I heard it. Its a cover of Zombie by the Cranberries. By the Thai equivelant of girls aloud. Oh dear....

Escape from LA (OS)

So I'm back in Thailand and once again on a sleeper train. I have to say I love these things, they basically act like mobile hotels (and are nicer than a couple of the hotels I've stayed in so far).

I rocked up at the travel agent who I booked my ticket through in Vientiane to find his door locked, even though it was ten minutes before my agreed pick up time. I had visions of him running off with my 1050 baht (20ish quid) - incidentally that's almost twice the average weekly wage in Laos - with all the phone calls the previous day having been a bluff.

Fortunately he eventually showed up - as did my lift. We took a pick up truck to the border, where I paid my 3000 kip (20-25p) stamping out bribe... sorry I mean fee and left behind the first communist country that I've visited. And I'll be honest, second to Zambia, probably the happiest. The people here have a wonderfully laid back attitude that if we could all copy would make the world a happier place.

Anyway at the border I got on the first of my two trains for the 15 minute jump to Thailand. and other than nearly mangling a car on what can only be called a level crossing because the rail and road were at roughly the same height the journey passed without event. Two stamps and a second Thai visa later I sat myself down for the hour's wait between two the trains. I put down my bags - which incidentally I've worked out now weight more than a third of my body weight - and relaxed. my bags however caught the interest of a local dog who came sniffing over. Then came the fastest move I've made in weeks, as that scruffy little bastard cocked his leg I managed to snatch my bag up to head height while simultaneously aiming a kick at him. After considering his options he slunk off and I - in case he'd gone for reinforcements - made for the train.

On the train I met Lazslo, a Hungarian American retiree lawyer who was apparently part of the firm who defended James Earl Ray ( the man who shot Martin Luther King Jr.). Apparently during this time he received death threats. He was now living in Thailand with his Thai wife. We had a laugh for a couple of hours, until the train official insisted we go to bed at 9.30. During this time he shared with me several interesting theories - including the idea that the JFK assassination was the work of the French Secret Service, and that he (Laszlo) was meant to be a passenger on Pan-Am flight 103 (the one blown up over Lockerbie) until he turned up at the airport to find his reservation mysteriously cancelled.

Just before bed time he asked to buy my lower bunk ticket for 500B and his upper bunk, on account of his prostate problems. To stave off further details - and because I liked the idea of two nights accommodation for nothing - I agreed. Felt like I got a good deal.

In the morning when I woke up Laszlo was gone. Had he disappeared in the night to the Bangkok suburbs or was he just a figment of my overtired imagination?

Vientiane 2

So due to a combination of having waited an hour and half for photos to upload only to be told at the last photo - "Upload error please try again" and suffering from hunger pangs you wouldn't believe I decided that the best course of action was to leave the Internet shop and go get a sandwich rather than breaking down in angry tears.

The points I missed for Vientiane are the fact that I missed the greatest shot I could have taken with the camera, by virtue of not speaking enough Laos (or the monk enough English) to establish if it was OK for me to take a picture of the monk using his camera phone to take a picture of Buddha at the old temple in the middle of town.

The second thing that I neglected to mention was the Lao Revolutionary museum which gave an interesting (if a little jingoistic) view on the war with America. They spent a lot of time talking about the puppets and stooges of the US war masters. From what I've heard there's more of this to come in Vietnam, but it does make a difference from the usual US bias in media and film.

Vientiane

So this is me almost up to date on my postings. Now I'm all alone with the rest of the group having gone their separate ways - HI GUYS! - I'm starting this with only 2 hours to go before my 15 hour ( in SEA travel time read 18 minimum) long hour trip back to Bangkok from where I fly to Hanoi. And yes those of you who have a map, I'm aware this is like leaving Berlin for Madrid to go to Moscow, but its cheaper this way (mostly because you'd have to carry me unconscious into a 24 hour bus journey, which is what it would be from here to northern Vietnam. The Bangkok trip is by sleeper train, which here means a reasonably comfy bed so its nowhere near as harrowing.

So what are my thoughts on the capital of Laos? Well other than the slight grievance I have for the country making a second spirited attempt to break one of my big toes (the first was in the waterfall at Luang Prabang) I've liked the city. Its much more laid back than the other cities I've visited in Asia so far. The evenings are a little quiet, other than the disco in the bizarre setting of a five star hotel, which basically functions as a place for tourists to pick up local women, but all in all its a very nice city.

We did the tourist trail visiting the oldest and most important temples in the city(Wat Si Saket and Pha That Luang) - now it may just be me believing the hype, but I've now sat before Buddha in the holiest sites in Thailand and Laos and these places have felt more tranquil than the others.

We also visited Patuxai, a monument modeled on the Arc De Triomphe in Paris (but slightly taller Laos 1 - 0 France) which gave great views of the city. I was puzzled to find a market in full swing half way up the tower, but horses for courses eh?

The food in Laos has been interesting, as there is much more of a western influence here. Was nice to get some bread and cheese again but I'll be glad to get back to the more traditional Asian foods and leave the tourist food behind again (for a while). The noddles to seem to make me lose weight though. Might have to up to five meals a day again.....

Tubing (and Vang Vieng)

So I moved on from the curfew in Luang Prabang, that had led to at least one resourceful entry after 11.30pm to a more lively town where government suggestions / laws / rules of nature seemed to go out the window.

After our long and winding bus journey we got showered and headed out for dinner. We then headed to Q BAR. Those of you who have passed through Vang Vieng will of course know that this is a classy establishment where the bourgeoisie go for cocktails of an evening. I walked to the bar and was astounded to find that the barman was from Balloch. Not because of the scarcity of Scots that I've encountered on my trip so far, but because I didn't realise that people actually came from Balloch, its always seemed more a place you go to. For the day. And leave before it gets dark. Anyway after a brief chinwag, I was recommended a "bucket" of vodka and coke. The word bucket should have been the first warning bell. The second should have come at the price. Buckets were 10 000 kip each. The current exchange rate is 13650 kip = one pound. From this you can judge the quality of the vodka. At this point I noticed the pool table in the corner and wandered over to get involved. The next few hours held the most international pool games I've ever played. I like to think that me and Nong (my Laotian doubles partner) held our own against the best England, Wales, Finland, The USA, Cambodia, France, Canada and Germany had to offer. Along the way I was given another bucket. It shouldn't be possible to be drunk on one pound fifty.

On the first full day in town, we decided that we should celebrate my amazing clear head by going tubing. For those of you not so lucky to have an iron constitution then this is definitely a kill or cure option. Basically it involves floating down the river in an old tractor tire inner tube (hence tubing). I say basically as there are several pubs at the side who lasso you as you pass and then attempt to force feed you your weight in alcohol before pushing you off tall platforms attached to a piece of rope. The first "ride" which I went on whilst still bone dry (incidentally not a good idea) involved a 15/20 metre high trapeze that swung down to about 3 metres above the water and then back into the air again. Having watched local 4 year olds doing flips as they let go I decided I had to climb up. The first rush I got was climbing up the rickety ladder to the platform. I lent on the side to recover and now I know what people mean by vertigo. I decided the best way to cure this was to throw myself off the platform. The rush in the 5 seconds I was in the air was unbelievable. So was the temperature of the water. I also discovered (for those of you wondering) that freezer bags are conclusively not waterproof, but luckily Laotian money is.

So after this I settled into a day of floating, refreshments - non alcoholic after the injuries I'd seen people sporting the day before - and adrenaline inducing swings, I reached the last bar at about five o'clock. Now the one piece of advice I was given was get off the water before dark. As sunset is about 5.50 I decided to fore go the last slide and head off for the finish line. This seemed a good plan. However dusk came and went and I was still not in sight of the finish. Then the sky cracked with ball lightning. As I was sitting there shivering in my ring, my partner in crime (the Irish stowaway from the slow boat) stopped to pick up a hitchhiker from the riverside. Now the weight of two people was enough that I sped (!) off down the river and lost sight of him completely. In the next ten minutes I'd convinced myself he has been murdered and left to float down the river by his mysterious passenger - who would no doubt steal the money I had entrusted to his dry bag.

I eventually caught up with an English girl and we got to chatting, and before I knew it we were at the lights of town. Not that I could see any point to get out of the river. Luckily I was then dragged out of the river by a four year old local girl. Unluckily (for her) as I mentioned before I didn't have any money to give her the tip she wanted (and deserved). But at least I was back on dry land.

Slow Boat Day 2

What a difference a day makes.....

We turned up at 9 am for the boat ride's second stage ( only 8 hours ) to discover that the three boats of yesterday, filled with comfortable seats that we had spun round so as to be able to talk to one another were gone, to be replaced by one of the same boats, filled with hard wooden seats in a shape that would make a chiropracter's dreams come true.

Presumably they had done this to save petrol by only running one boat and because we were this far along, and having already paid for our tickets, there was nothing for us to do but go along with it. So with my mocking comments of the people who had brought cushions with them the previous day ringing in my ears I contorted my body into the seat. My fellow passengers, who has been bouncing around the boat the day before seemed a little more subdued, due to the combined forces of alcohol, opium and late night attack of bedbugs from which I had been blissfully immune.

I think I'm alone in the fact that I enjoyed the entire second day of the trip. I thought the scenary was amazing, and that the occasional stops by the small riverside villages were a great look at the way life is for some people, living without fresh water, electricity or any other modern conveniences, miles from their nearest neighbours. Would be great to swap lives with them for a week, then to trade back quickly and leg it down to McDonalds....

Anyway after this travelling we arrived in picturesque Luand Prabang (too late at night to see if it was picturesgue but I have been assured that it is)

Pak Beng

So we arrived in Pak Beng, (unknown to me the drug selling capital of Laos (possibly to be edged out by Vang Vieng later in the trip - but more on that later)) to be greeted by the usual scrum of about 15-20 guest house owners, and at least the same again of people crying "weed, marijuana, opium".

Turned out from a brief conversation one of these guys also had a discount, which when he discovered there were nine of us (our group had increased AGAIN) we were offered a 75% discount. This was nice but it did mean that I was paying (for a double room with a fan and a mosquito net) two thirds of what I'd paid for a packet of crisps on the boat earlier in the day. After a dinner of stir fried buffalo we all sat down for a post meal chill out. And it was about here that I began to wonder if perhaps some of the opium had made its way into my meal. The first piece of strange behaviour happened when the girls panicked at the appearance of - to give them some credit - a very large cricket. One of the children of the guesthouse dealt rather emphatically with this problem by swallowing the aforementioned cricket whole. The second strange incident was after almost everyone else had gone to bed. One of the locals came over, chewing on what appeared to be a tree branch, sat down next to me, gave me a nod and kept going. My curiosity overtook my confusion and I asked him what it was he was eating. At this point he pulled out his machete (as you do) and I wondered if "whats that" actually meant - 'you're mother is a whore" in Lao but to my relief he used the machete to cut the end off the branch and peel back the bark before handing it to me to try. He prompted me with the words 'sweet, sweet" and showed me that you chewed on the branch and spat out the pulp. Turns out he was chewing on a sugar cane. It was pretty nice but not that fulfilling, so I decided - in an attempt to avoid any more surreal episodes - to retire to bed to read for a while. A great plan til they turned the generator off five minutes later while I was sitting on toilet....

Luang Luang time ago....

So what are my views on a town regarded as so significant that UNESCO have made the entire city a World Heritage Site...

Well I have to say the first thing that I noticed was the change of pace. Laos seems much more laid back than Thailand and everything is taken at a slower pace. The city contained a lot of temples - as you would expect in a Buddhist country, but they seemed different to the Thai temples in a way I'm not quite sure.

I also had a first in south east Asia here - I found a market I could wander round, browse extensively and not be harassed. The result of which was spending more money here than I have anywhere else. Goddamn (or should that be Buddha-damn) reverse psychology....

A short way outside the town was a waterfall , which takes over hands down as the second best waterfall I've ever seen. At the bottom were several pools which you could swim in with a rope swing and lots of jumping off points. This seemed fun, but caused injuries to several people - a warning for what was to come later.....

One problem with the laid back nature of the country is that the long and winding roads to Vang Vieng suffer (or are preserved by) a 30km/h speed limit, making it much slower to get from point A to point B. 8 hours to cover 200km is slow by anyone's standards. Especially when a marathon runner would have been able to keep up with the bus. But the fact that we were often passed by geriatrics on bikes did let me see some of the most breath-taking views I've ever encountered (some photos, taken from leaning out of the minibus window, will follow)

King of Khong and the Slow Boat day 1.

So this was the latest in a series of misjudgements of how much time it takes to get from point A to point B. The journey from Chaing Mai to Chaing Khong was not as I first thought a 4 hour trip but was in fact almost double that. Which was ok with the Ipod and people to chat to, but got a bit hairy when our non air conditioned local bus began to fill with the aroma of vomit from the very ill Thai child down the front.



We eventually made it to Chaing Khong at about 8 in the evening to be greeted by the strangest man I've met on this trip. He had a fishing rod over one shoulder came running over to us, let out an eerie high pitched laugh showing his four teeth before jogging off down the road.

We eventually managed to find a guest house (or ghost house as the sign read) and then a restaurant (which was nice, except from the fact they forgot to feed one of the group).

The next day we did the journey which was easy enough (short pick up journey to the border and then a long tail boat into Laos where we breezed through customs and tuk-tuked our way to the slow boat pier.

The first day on the Slow Boat was a great laugh- met an Irish guy who had stowed away on the boat - a decision which I think takes a lot of balls in a country where they will hang you for less. played a lot of cards, drank some drink, laughed at the people passing in the speed boat with terror in their eyes, and just generally enjoying the scenery.

The locals were up the back gambling- now that they were out of Thailand it seemed to be the done thing, and after over a month without poker I was itching to join in. However the language barrier got in the way....

Mai Mai Mai....

So its been a long time since I updated this, so I'm going to attempt to bring you up to speed at pace. This blog covers the Chiang Mai leg of the journey.

So we got into Chain Mai and found a hostel (for those of you who know the city we were near the Tha Pae Gate of the old town. Had a quiet day the first day and just wandered about to recover from THE journey.

Day two we decided to go on a 3 stage trek. Stage one we rode elephants (see facebook for pictures) which was great fun, although very bouncy (and my elephant was the only one without a safety bar on the riding box so when he decided that he was off for a walk basically down a cliff it got a little hairy. Stage two took us to a waterfall by way of a couple villages to show us the rural way of life. Tried the local habit of chewing a mixture of beetlenut and tobacco - not something I recommend you try at home kids. Stage 3 was bamboo rafting which was great (although I managed to wipe myself off the raft by a severe misjudgement of speed and tree)

Day 3 we went and watched some Muay Thai- its really interesting to watch the ceremony that attaches to each fight and the matches were really good, but I felt the pain of the poor soul who got a full on knee in the balls.

Day 4 we went to the Tiger Kingdom. Strange to see such dangerous animals so close up.

I decided to move on without doing a cooking course - will pick one up in Bangkok in one of the transit stops.

So, you've been on a train for 12 hours overnight, whats the logical choice to do the next night?

Thats right - get on a 17 hour train!

I spent 30 hours out of 42 on a train. It could have been quite a horrible second journey, but having picked up the guys in Surratthani, we also managed to increase our group by 4 at various times hanging around in Bangkok train station. And other than the fact I didn't sleep at all on the train (due to broken seats, noisy kids and sprawling seatmates :-P) the journey was quite fun. We did run out of card games during the three hour delay though.

Spot the Tourist.....

On my way from Surrithani I met up with a group of three guys from England when our bus stopped randomly in the middle of nowhere and these two guys got on and told us that the bus was going to the bus depot but if we wanted to go the train station then this was the connection (all part of the ticket we'd paid). So I got off the bus, and it was only when only the four white guys on the bus were standing on the kerb that something was maybe a little amiss....

But with no other option we piled into the tuk tuk - which sure as hell pulled up outside a travel agent where we were told to buy our onward tickets. After asserting what they could do with this offer and there offer of providing further paid transport, we went and hailed a cab who took us the last 25km (!!) to the station for a quid each.

So kids a word of warning. never get off the bus.

Responses I'd dearly love to give but haven't had the guts yet

Tailor - Where are you from?
Me - Thailand. The very north... Its colder up there that's why I'm a bit peely waley


Tailor - Don't you need a suit for work?
Me - No I work in a naturist resort at home so there are no clothes allowed.


Man - Taxi?
Me - No, person but keep trying....


Man - You Australian? English?
Me - Nah, but don't worry you Cambodians have never been very good at this guess the nationality thing

Craig Thomson cost me my UK sim card and 35 quid.

I have to say that after the last couple of days this was going to be a mostly negative post, but today has changed my view quite a lot.

First to explain the post title. I was out on Sunday night to watch the Old Firm game, and ended up with a couple of guys having a few drinks. After the game (and the appalling decisions by the way) we had a few more and at this point we were presumably spotted as a good target by the local working girls. To cut a long story short at some point in the evening, from the inner zipped compartment of my wallet, the UK money I had left and my Sim card went walkies. I didn't realise til the next evening when I opened the once again closed zipper. But what can you do eh?

Second rant - I'm getting a bit fed up of the sex tourism here. There's only so many times I can cope with "maaaasage - happy ending" being shouted at me from a doorway as I look for somewhere to have dinner. I blame the westerners for this, but this is one area I'd say Amsterdam has the right idea in. There should be an area for the sex tourists, so that none of the rest of us have to deal with it when we don't want to.

Third rant - I'm getting fed up being on my guard 24/7 against people trying to con me because I'm not a local. Bus fares of 6x the normal being quoted to me, before I walk off and then to get called back and told a price still 3x the one I paid the day before is getting on my nerves.....

Now on to the positive things of today :-D

My attempts to rent a motorbike were put on the back burner, when after taking Rags advice I got the guest house owner to show me the ropes on our wee alley. First thing I did was crash into the iron fence at about 20km/h. Then I managed to keep trying to break while twisting the throttle. Although I'm insured, I didn't fancy being medi - vaced home.

I decided that I would get as far out of the town as possible today. I hopped on the 3rd bus I stopped (whose fair was remarkably a pound instead of the six the first driver insisted I would have to pay) and headed for the waterfall here. It was just such a lovely serene place (after I fell down the small cliff on my way there). The area was surrounded by elephants and other animals which was really cool. Although I was chased for about half a mile by a bull calf - much to the amusement of the woman who owned the cow. I'm not lying when I say that I crossed the river twice and this cow kept on coming. It began to get a little freaky, esp when it tried to charge me a couple of times - but its all fun and games....

On the way back down a Thai guy on his motorbike stopped and offered me a lift to the main road (about 1.5k) and even though I said it was OK (I was dying by this point though - the climb was almost vertical to the top) he insisted and told me it was too far to walk and that the lift was free and I was to get on. So i did.

Managed to find a great wee Thai place tonight where I did their BBQ special - the guy cooked the stuff on the strangest combi pot/grill thing that worked really well. Also tried his dessert which wasn't as good - seemed to be gelatin cubes, ice and a weird pink liquid but despite not speaking English the entire staff there were lovely the whole time.

So for anyone coming to Samui - get away from the main streets and towns as much as you can and you might meet the proper friendly Thais.

Further on Irish bars

Am I a cruel person to ask the barman in every "authentic" Irish bar which part of Ireland he's from and then smile at the bemused look the poor Thai guy gives me when he gives me my drink?

The south shall rise again....

So I've been on the islands of southern Thailand for a week now and I feel its time to give you my impressions.

Ko Tao was a disappointment I have to say. I know I'm here a little before the actual main season starts, but I thought it was a pretty unfriendly place. The dive schools seemed to be a bit cliquey, the bars had very little atmosphere and the restaurants were very businesslike and unhomely. I presume it could be the best place on the planet if you were learning to dive there, but the weather meant that I wasn't really up for that (visibility was poor according to the mental Austrian hippy I met the first night, and the aging Spanish Lothario said I should do it in calmer weather - so maybe in Cambodia)

Koh Samui is a bit better - although this place too has its problems. The beach I'm staying on (Chaweng beach if you want to check it out is SEVERELY overdeveloped. There are barely any ways you can get on and off the beach without walking through a hotel lobby. I started ten minutes outside town and was nearly at the other end of the town (35/40 minutes walk before I found the one lane to get off again).

Chaweng town seems to have no Thai identity at all. You could move it and drop it in the Canaries, or in the Costa Del Sol and its 2 McDonalds, 2 burger king, 2 subways, 3 haagen daaz cafes, and numerous "authentic Irish/British/Australian pub" would not look out of place.

I think that Thailand (and before anyone panics - I am loving it here, this is just a rant against globalisation - always fighting the man I know) will prove my theory that in all except the one obvious example the north of a country is better than the south.

I'm off to get on my bike and look for some real Thailand

Night boat / Day bike

So I spent two days at the Chumpon Palm Resort, which was absolutely gorgeous at first apperance. AND was only costing me 4 quid a night for my own room. And there's where the second glance kicked in. There were 4 guests in a massive place. One thai guy from the island i'm heading to next (currently on Ko Tao, next Samui) and then me and a 59 year old English guy who I didnt meet til the second day. AND i was as suggested earlier 20 km out of town with no transport except an unpredictable bus service.

Always being one to make the most of every situation, I had a swim and some late lunch then agreed to go squid fishing with the hotel owner. Had a great laugh, got a few ok pics. I got 3 squid, but one got me...

Anyway the next day I met Stewart (the abovementioned 3rd guest) and he tured out to be really cool. Seems he was/is the brother in law and drummer for Donavon (not jason and for those of you who like me arent sure who he is - think mellow yellow). So he offered me a lift into town, which I accepted. I then discovered that he wasnt driving, but was going on a motor bike. So at the ipe old age of 23 I climbed on a motorbike for the first time -which in thailand is a bit of an experience - but one I've since repeated twice already... Now to go back to the Ko Sahn Road and get me a liscence from that guy. if I buy his physics degrees too I might get a discount.